Chapter Four: Here's to the Here and Now

Kind of Blue

I’m in for a quiet Friday tonight and I’m so relieved. I’m curled up all snug under a blanket. I’ve a glass of red wine on the go which is warming me from the inside out. I’ve candles lit and music playing and Dave’s said the T word. The T word being takeaway. There’s no going back now; we’ll be ordering in no time.

This week’s been a big’un. Plenty of ups and downs along the way. I am absolutely knackered tonight.

Monday morning was the worst morning. And not just cos it was a Monday. It was pouring down with rain and the train was 25 minutes late. And while I stood there on that platform, feeling miserable and defeated, I wrote off any chance of me making it to my tap class or yoga class. I just decided this week wasn’t the week.

I know that sounds crazy. Why let a bit of rain and some train delays hold you back? I was equipped with an umbrella and a big coat so I didn’t even get that wet.

I can’t speak for everyone living with anxiety, but I know that for me personally, mornings are the hardest. I may tell you that when I’m singing or writing or doing anything I love, the butterflies go away. In reality the only time they really do go away is when I’m asleep. Leaving sleep behind is hard for most people. I’d sleep all day every day given the chance. For the first couple of hours of a day, having just mustered up the oomph to get up and at ’em, every little thing counts. A bright and funny news story can make a day. A train delay can break a week.

So, maybe the classes haven’t happened yet, but Dave and I did go for another wintry walk around the local area last weekend. I am in possession of a yoga mat and I did pick my tap shoes up from my parents’. I am very nearly at the end of my first book of the year. I’ve played plenty of music. I feel happy I think and I feel positive about next week.

Monday wasn’t the only difficult morning. I hit delays on the trains again yesterday morning and then eventually my trains were cancelled all together. This morning, my rear windscreen wiper broke. Or I guess I should say, I broke it by turning it on when it was frozen stiff.

I cooked some great dinners this week though and I suddenly feel so good about this whole cooking thing that I’m thinking I might actually start using the recipe books we have had for ages but not used yet. I find cooking incredibly stressful most of the time, but I’m getting there. I’m feeling inspired by my best friend who recently moved out and who cooks simple, quick, easy, healthy meals from Joe Wick’s books almost every night and seems so happy for it.

Other highlights this week include finally getting to season nine of Friends and still not knowing any spoilers. *touches wood* And finally having time to paint my nails.

This evening I’m feeling super creative despite being so tired. I know I’m happy and content when I feel creative. I want to do a zillion things at once. I really am so close to finishing my book. But I haven’t even made a start on the colouring in my ‘mindfulness colouring diary’. I’m also glancing longingly at the piano and ukulele every so often because as per, I just want to sing my heart out.

Speaking of music, I had a wonderful conversation with a work colleague today about Miles Davis. It was so lovely to have a musical discussion with someone again. I miss that about being at university surrounded by music students. This particular colleague’s love for jazz is contagious and our chat reminded me of a time I spent emersed in jazz while I was studying. I love jazz and more than anyone, during that time, I loved reading about Miles Davis. I ordered his autobiography to read at the time and it never arrived and I had to request a refund. Looking back, I cannot believe I just gave up and I never ordered it again. My mission for this week? Finally get my hands on a copy and get reading.

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