One step forward, one step back

I went and bought a beautiful new mirror for my university room today. I also bought a new organiser and a new duvet cover and I managed to stay nothing other than excited. I took another look at the enrolement email to see which dates I need to be at my schools and what I need to do next. I pencilled the dates into the new organiser ready. I booked a hairdressers appointment for just before I head back and I even worked out exactly how much money I’m going to have to spend each month. I also started googling retail careers, hoping to find someone in Cardiff who wants to hire a Bronwen for the year but doesn’t mind letting her go home for Christmas and Easter.

Then another email arrived confirming my enrolement and I started reading about auditions for operas and choirs and it all just became too real and way too scary. Just like that I felt like my fresher self was back to haunt me and I wanted to hide from the world. I wanted university to go away. Facing my anxiety wasn’t something I wanted to do anymore. The idea of finding myself, conquering life, living independently and having the freedom to do what ever I wanted suddenly wasn’t as appealing as a positive Bronwen would have told you it was.

Going back for my second year in two weeks is terrifying. Nothing scares me more, except perhaps the thought of auditioning for operas when I get there. Or the spider that my dad just had to come into my bedroom and save me from.

So I’m not a spider fighter just yet, but I can conquer university by myself, right? There is a braver Bronwen in here somewhere.

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